I'm beginning to wonder if JM knows how much I really love him, or how much I do appreciate him, or how much respect I do have for him.

Today he's been grumpy. He says I'm pushing him to get a job, and in a way I am. I know how badly he feels because he doesn't have a job, and I'd rather him not have those feelings... he gets depressed because he feels he isn't helping us get to Kansas, he isn't contributing to the relationship financially, and he's making it more difficult for me.

All of those reasons are valid reasons and I'm not faulting him for them. However, I can't support his decision to not work if that decision is going to make him feel worse than working will, and at this point it is. He doesn't want to work because he hurts physically, and I can certainly understand that..... I go to work every day in some sort of pain.

But I deal with it.

I think part of his grumpiness today is just regular run-of-the-mill "that time of month" grumpiness, and I don't think that my 'pushing' him to apply for a job is helping it....

But I also don't think that my not pushing him is helping him either. I don't know how to help get him motivated without pushing him, and I don't know how to get him out of his need to not work.

I don't know. I"m kinda confused about the whole situation, to be honest. He feels bad for not working, but then he finds reasons to not work.

Is it me? Am I the reason for his confusion in this area?

There's so many things running thru my mind tonight... and yet, I can't put words to any of it.

I think the biggest things I have going on inside me right now is that I'm worried. I'm worried that JM doesn't think I trust him... I'm afraid that the things that are making me happy today won't be there tomorrow when I wake up...

And I'm afraid that the happiness that I've found with JM will be lost the same way all the other relationships in my life have been lost..... because I run off the very people I love the most.