Randomization

You know, I haven't been blogging a lot mostly because I haven't had the inspiration to write. There's a lot more to it, though. I haven't felt like any others want to read what I write - like maybe what I write isn't any more than a bitch fest online about the ex-wife and her abusive boyfriend.

Why is that? Why is it the only time I feel the need to write out my thoughts is when I want to complain?

J doesn't necessarily feel that need - he simply finds someone to talk about his troubles to. (Not me, usually, because I already know about it and he doesn't get the reaction he's looking for.)

One thing I have noticed and that has become a concern for me is J and my communication. For some odd reason when he vents to me I get defensive. I'm not sure why other than I'm as frustrated at the situation as he is. I really need to work on recognizing when he's just venting as opposed to when he's actually getting upset at me... which is really rarely.

Actually, that's something that I'm very glad for. J and I don't really get upset at each other much at all. Instead we just accept each other for who we are and try to work around each other's faults. I think that's one of the benefits of being in a 'second relationship'. We not only already know what it takes to succeed and we're 100% more determined to make it work. Neither one of us wants to fail at yet another relationship.

Which brings me to my next topic of discussion: J. Have I mentioned how wonderful he is?? This man is more than just a partner and a lover. He's my best friend, my confidante, my other half. He completes me like no other ever has. Life with him isn't perfect by any means. We have our ups and downs just like any one else. But life with him is also very perfect at the same time.

When a body says it takes communication, trust, and faithfulness to succeed in a relationship they're correct. It truly does, and I believe that's why J and I fit together so well. We tell each other everything, trust each other completely, and are dedicated to each other. What more could one ask for??

On a more personal note, I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I'll never have kids. It just isn't meant to be. I'm coming to understand that horrible women like the ex-wife can have them, and women like me who were virtually meant to be mothers, can't. It breaks my heart and makes me feel hollow inside, like I have no other reason for living, but it's a truth I can no longer ignore.

I was just never meant to be a mommy.

Which is why the movie Juno really hit me hard. I can't tell you how much I can relate to "Vanessa" when Juno is going thru her pregnancy. I want that. I want to feel a little miracle inside me - I want to have every part of motherhood. Every bad heartburn, stomach ache, and bloated inch of mommy-ness that comes with getting pregnant and having kids - that's what I want.

It's also what I'll never have.