8th .. Dum De Do Be Dum

Well, I gave the ex $100, which was half of what was left over after I paid bills. I know I'm gonna catch crap from my friends about that.

I'd really rather spend that money on something I need, like, say a microwave or something, but he needs it more than I do at this point, and I did have enough money to cover bills and necessities.

E and I are doing well. He's still convinced that a long distance relationship will work. I'm not saying anything to the contrary, but I certainly need a man that's going to take me out sometimes and spend time with me. He says he'll be able to come to town regularly to see me, because he still has his family here and will come and visit them as well.

I really haven't been in the mood to write here lately. I've been depressed, but not upset enough to write. I've been lonely a lot, which has a lot to do with my depression. I work, I sleep, and I have no one to hang out with and no where to go. I can't take the dogs out for a walk because it's just too cold for them and I can't go walking myself... why would I? Walking out by myself is just the same as staying home by myself and I'm warm at home... and I do have the dogs to snuggle up with.

Plus I can watch a movie on my computer. I still don't have a TV yet. G suggested that I buy my old TV from the ex, my old 27 inch flat screen. I would simply love that....but where would I put it? I let him keep the entertainment center, AND the stereo that he bought me that's sitting on the entertainment center. I cancelled my cable and don't have a DVD player to connect to the TV (you guessed it, I let him keep it, too).

I don't regret my decision to let him keep those things, after all I did take everything else, but I am upset that I have nothing now.

I do realize that my lack of funds to buy myself stuff is my own fault. I continue to pay for things that aren't my responsibility, like phone cards for E ( I know he'll pay me back for them) and helping the ex with his rent from time to time.

It's not something I care help, though. I am a nice person. I like that I'm a nice person. I feel that if I were to stop giving to others in their time of need than I would lose that part of myself, and I've always been proud of that part of my personality. Almost every person I've allowed in my life has tried to kill that aspect of who I am, and they have failed. I'm proud of that.

I do realize, however, that I need to learn when it's OK to give and when it's OK to say no. I think that this with the ex is teaching me a little bit of that, though not as much as my close friends would like.

Bleh. Anyway, I am doing well in spite of my depression. I'm taking Celexa for it and don't feel like it's really doing anything to help. I'm still extremely edgy when dealing with other people and I still have problems sleeping if I don't take medication to make me sleep. If I don't have a problem getting to sleep, than I sleep way too much.

All week I had slept fitfully, waking up every two hours. I fell asleep today (Saturday) at 8 am and slept until 10 pm, waking up only once around 4 to let the dogs out and call someone.

I gotta tell ya', the dogs had a hell of a time waking me up. Sara was literally laying on my stomach and wiggling and Bear was on my neck. They almost never have to wait that long to go outside, so they were upset with me. As soon as they were done with their business I fell back into bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. It was as if I hadn't slept in ages.

I don't know how I'm going to handle the next few days. I have to go into the call center to work because of computer issues, and that stresses me out. I don't know how I'm going to get to work, and I don't know how I'll get home.

I also have a Dr.'s appointment on the 7th at 8am that I have to go to, and I don't know how I'm gonna get there. I call G's son and daughter-in-law, but they never answer my calls and they never return them.... that's just how they are. (Yes, it annoys me.)

Anyway, I think it's time for me to quit whining and watch a movie. I've got Bear sleeping on a blanket by my feet and Sara curled up on the couch. I've got some great tasting coffee (which I hardly ever drink) and a headache that's starting to brew. I think a storm's coming in.

Jumanji, here I come.